Still Falling

have i made the worst decision of my life?

I broke up with my boyfriend this evening, i think that is one of the single most painful things i’ve ever done emotionally, and i hate myself. I know in my heart it was the right choice but jesus does it hurt. I hate knowing that i’ve hurt him, i hate knowing that i’m the bad one for doing it. But whether or not he felt it this relationship has been sinking since january and i’m surprised we’ve held out this long, i just hope he comes to terms with that soon, because i hate knowing he’s hurting - and knowing its my fault.

Still really fucking hurts though, my heart knows its the right choice but it really fucking hurts.

i think i need to summon the courage to break up with my boyfriend, and the thought is making me feel physically sick. I hate myself, and i still love him but our relationship is going no where fast and i can’t be with someone if i can’t imagine a future with him. The truth is my life is just about to really begin and his has already started, and they are going different ways with no hope of merging. God its going to be so hard, and i really don’t want to do this but i have to, being in a relationship is hurting me more than it should and i think continuing it will end up hurting us both. God i don’t know what to do anymore, i dont think i can do this, it needs to end but i dont want to hurt him. Why is this so fucking painful.

i’m quite drunk and i desperately want to have sex with one of my flatmates. I’ve had a crush on her since we came to uni, only pulled her once. God, right now i wish i wasn’t in a relationship. God she’s beuatiful, i want her. I can’t. I don’t think my relationsip is going anywhere.

talking to my boyfriend is such bloody hard work, he just rings me to complain and not talk but just whine. I’m lying to myself if i think this is worth it, its not the same anymore we’ve drifted apart and i dont think its a distance we can travel.

it annoys me when people make light of serious issues like self harm and ocd. I’m an almost recovered self harmer, but my self harm has recently manifested it as an obbessive compulsive habit that i cannot control.

It annoys me because some one cleaning up always jokes about having ocd, but thats not what ocd is - ocd is having a panic attack because someone changed the order of your food, ocd is crying and frantically washing and re-washing your dishes because someone used them without asking. Ocd is biting your fingers and thumbs to the extent that they bleed, that they are so raw that everytime you even wash your hands it feels like acid is being poured on your skin.

I’m really trying to get over my problems, i’ve not cut in nearly 18 months now and every single day is a battle - i know my current biting habit is my self-harm manifesting itself in a safer way, and i’m trying to get through it - but it just upsets me that no one takes things like this seriously, no one considers what it means.

My friends all think my skin biting is an anxiety thing, and i guess to an extent it is but its not the sort of anxiety they think - yes i’m stressed about finishing my dissertation but i’m biting my skin so i don’t break open my razor blades instead.

The worst part is my boyfriend doesn’t understand, he just says stop because its hurting him - and i hate him for doing that, i know it hurts him but he can’t put that guilt on me. He knows why i do it, he knows i have some problems but he ignores them. I’m not sure my relationship is really all that good for me, but i don’t know if i can lose him.